Opening to Myself

I love this self-portrait I made with colored pencils and magic marker thirty-two years ago this month. I am soft and peachy, vulnerable and open. All my features are accounted for (in previously posted artwork, parts of my face are sometimes either missing or in shadow). And my hair is like a golden crown.

This ‘photo’ was taken after having been in therapy with Lee O. Johnson for two years. When I first arrived on her doorstep, I was in turmoil. I didn’t want to try to kill myself again, so I showed up at the Berkelely Women’s Center where she was womaning the phones. Seeing my distress, she clicked on the message machine and ushered me into another room.

Oddly, she had me sit on the floor between her legs so that my back was to her chest. That was weird, but it made it easier to talk since I didn’t have to look at her face. “I need to cry, but I’m afraid my stitches will burst,” I said. “I had an operation on my stomach when I was twenty-six days old. I know it sounds crazy.”

She pulled me gently to her, and I leaned against her chest. “Go on and cry,” Lee said in a soft and motherly tone. “You’re ok now. The stitches won’t break.” She hugged me to her and I wept. I sobbed. I let myself have my tears. Hardened to my pain and grief for twenty-six years, I was able to find relief. The picture is evidence of my opening to myself. I had come home emotionally after all that time, one of the lucky survivors.

0 Responses to Opening to Myself

  1. Thanks for another wonderful post with some excellent “triggers” for me.
    I’ve been feeling especially grateful in recent weeks, and reading your post I feel so grateful for you again. After that long dark tunnel of self-destructive emotions and behaviour, voila! there was Lee O. Johnson – 100% for you! What sensitivity, experience, wisdom and tenderness.
    But I am also reminded what I missed out on, largely due to some considerable differences in our stories which I’d better not itemise here. How I would have loved to have somebody to help me when I was hurting deep inside because of my inability to deal with the damage from my infant surgery.
    I am very grateful for both of us that despite our different journeys, we have each grown and healed so much.

  2. I couldn’t have come this far without you. I’d love to hear about the “items” which you didn’t mention here, so email me if you like. How glad I am that we have come this far and that we have each other!

  3. Hi Ms. Williams, I was wondering if you have an email I can contact you with? The one listed in your “about me” page ( does not seem to work. Thanks. -Annie Young

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