Miscue
If I could have
hidden it
I would have
If I could have
forgotten it
made it disappear
like a rabbit
under a magician’s black hat
carved it out of my skin
but the scar directed the play
without my knowing
like a prompter off stage
whispering forgotten lines—
damaged, imperfect, unlovable
and ultimately
the audience responded
on cue
Writing the poem “Miscue” a few years ago helped me realize how my scar had impacted me negatively most of my life. Poetry exposed this hidden belief to my consciousness. I don’t think about my scar this way anymore, or rather I should say that I’ve been working with changing this script over the years. I am the prompter now, whispering lines of self-love. When I hear the negative messages, I change the words, feeding myself lines of truth, no longer lines that confirm and encourage unworthiness. I would write a different poem today. Let’s see what comes out:
My scar
a thermometer
reads my degree of self-love that day.
If it looks raw and red – 105° –
a flaring fever.
If it blends in
with creamy skin – 98.6° –
I’m whole, normal,
the mercury measuring strength,
an ability to survive tough times.
The scar
a mark
of love’s heat.
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How did I do? Anyone have a title?
Hi Wendy,
I just discovered your site. I am one of the club, PS at 6 weeks in 1957. Closure of the incision totally failed and the second attempt at closing was very very messy. All kinds of emotional issues growing up, some from family telling me inappropriate and graphic descriptions of what happened, and the rest from my imagination running wild with the mental images i formed. Fear and PTSD ruled my life for decades.
I did not speak a word of my terrors for 40 years till i shared it with the women that has since become my wife.
Justin
Hi Justin,
I am so glad to hear from you!
I’m so sorry about what happened to you. When you say that closure failed, do you mean at the time
of the operation or that the surgeon sent you home only to have you return because the incision wasn’t healing?
Please feel free to email me if you don’t want to reply through the blog (see About Me for address). Also, is PTSD
still an issue? It sure is for me as you can see from reading my blog.
Thank you so much for commenting. I’ve been pretty alone with all this–in my life and even out there in
cyberspace. Partly it’s because blogging is new to me and I haven’t figured out yet how to connect more widely.
But the subject is a hard one for folks. I’ve made one wonderful connection with Fred from Australia and we
are always writing. I’d sure be glad to hear from you about anything more you might like to say about your
experience, past and present. btw, how did you discover my blog?
Combine them somehow, call it: Flame’s kin
Great idea!