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Images Key to Unlocking Preverbal Trauma

Self-Hate

My pastel “Self-Hate,” on display at the Sacramento Poetry Center this month, along with two others of mine and those of eight other artists who also write as part of Jennifer O’Neill Pickering’s Sable & Quill exhibit, is an expression of the feelings I felt about my body and about life in general, especially as a teen-ager. Anger ruled my life.

A decade later in my early twenties, I discovered the source of this rage–infant surgery at 26 days old to correct pyloric stenosis, a stomach blockage, without anesthesia. Did you know that before 1987, anesthesia was often not administered to infants for invasive medical procedures and operations?  The medical community had convinced themselves that babies didn’t feel pain. It also worried that anesthesia could cause brain damage, for how could safe doses be determined? Instead, a muscle paralytic was given so that the baby could not fight. Sometimes a sugar cube soaked in alcohol was given or small amounts of anesthesia.

Since the torture occurred before I had language, I didn’t really understand the messages I was receiving from my body, emotions and senses over the years. My body was frozen in terror, for as a baby, I could not flee or fight–only lie helplessness. Many others have suffered this fate, some of whom have contacted me through this blog. We number in the millions and may or may not understand the depression, rage, and numbness we have felt throughout our lives. Post-traumatic stress or PTS it has come to be called. Preverbal infant trauma is not something the public, or the victims themselves, is generally aware of. Through artwork, early feelings find their way to the surface, feelings for which no words were ever attached.

Jennifer has given me the opportunity to speak briefly about this and read from my memoir manuscript, Autobiography of a Sea Creature – Coming Home to My Body after Infant Surgery, at the Sable & Quill reading this Saturday, January 9, 2016 at the Sacramento Poetry Center (25th and R) reading 7:30-9 pm, which follows the art reception 5-7 pm.  I am grateful for the opportunity and look forward to reading and hearing from the other artists as well. Hope to see you there!

 

 

 

Hugged by the Universe

Brown arms encircle me and hold me in a warm embrace. Safe, I am held by all that is. I am a Sufi baby, floating like Moses toward my destiny. All that is supports me–the waves, the sun, the air, my magenta body wrap and cushiony head wrap. I drew these pastels at the beginning… Continue Reading

To Write, To Draw, To Feel: Accessing Pre-Verbal Trauma

There are many ways to get in touch with trauma that we have experienced before we knew language. And accessing this information is key to beginning to heal from early wounds. Many of us will need therapists to help us access and process this material; we will need support in healing. There are many things… Continue Reading

Images of Healing

Drawing and painting have allowed me access to inner images. The original title of this piece is “Parts.”At age twenty-six in 1978 and in therapy with Lee O. Johnson, I watercolor-painted this snow-woman. I was starting to find some balance in my life. Even though I was wounded (dab of red), my body parts are neatly… Continue Reading

Out in the Community with ReStory Your Life

I am psyched. I gave my first talk out in the world beyond the classrooms of The College of Alameda and it was thrilling. Eight women from the Women’s Motivational Meetup in Sacramento, hosted by Griffin Toffler, gave me their attention, listened to my lecture, and participated in a writing exercise at the library in… Continue Reading