So here’s the hard part that I had to confront–the actual incision or the cutting of my baby belly. In order to write about my stomach surgery, I had to face the fact of the scalpel. These pictures tell the story. No need for too many words. … Continue Reading
The Scar was “A Monster Flying Around”: My Third Pastel
A whirling dervish spins on my belly. Words on the lower left half of the pastel identify it: “The scar. It’s like a beast. Scares me.” On the lower right: “It’s a monster. And it’s flying around.” On my belly, a thick band of shiny scar tissue, a pale and sickly worm. This scar deemed me… Continue Reading
Ropes: Second Pastel Exploring My Infant Surgery
In my second pastel, I confronted the ropes strangling my body. These were actual areas of tension where it felt as though ropes or bands were strapped across my chest and under my breasts. In the pastel is a rough outline of my torso in black and the bands in red. In researching my operation… Continue Reading
The Journey Inward : My First Pastel
How to begin writing the story of my infant surgery for pyloric stenosis, I wondered over a decade ago, daunted by the thought of the task. I knew so little about what happened then…….and I was afraid to find out. I knew I needed to write, but I had no idea how to start. Draw,… Continue Reading
The Role of Visual Art in Writing about Trauma
To write a memoir about infant surgery as I have, one must often ease one’s way into the material–find a less direct way to crack through: Take the story by surprise. In my case, I chose art. Here are the pastel drawings I made before I wrote one word of the story. The first pastel… Continue Reading
To Heal My Injured Baby-Self (or To Soothe Infant Trauma)
In meditation eyes closed I check in with my body: familiar tension, arm pressed to side where incision cut at 26 days. Breath held. Oh little baby, I say to myself aware of her suffering. In my mind’s eye I place my fingertips gently on my baby-throat where the intubation tube choked,… Continue Reading
Tying a Bow: Leaving Old Trauma Behind
Each morning, I lift the cheerful pillow with its red and yellow plaid cover from the rocker chair and carry it to the bed. Just as I’m about to throw it onto the quilt, the tie slips out from where I’ve tucked it into the case the night before. I feel repulsed. Each night I tuck it… Continue Reading
Questions & Answers about Early Trauma
Recently, a reader wrote me to express appreciation for my 2014 blog post “ReStory Notes: Some Powerful Questions & Answers” and to ask permission to post it on Facebook. In answering a resounding yes, I reread the post and realized how spot-on it was and how it might be helpful to someone struggling to understand him… Continue Reading
Saved by a Spider: Connection is Key
Spider with Suicide A long-legged spider hung above where I, twenty-one, lay on an attic cot in the abandoned house I’d climbed into— the place I swallowed all those pills but woke up—frightened, disappointed, baffled really. Now what? I touched the cool brick next to me,… Continue Reading
"Becoming a Trauma-conscious Society"
is slow, but we are moving in this direction. What do I mean by a trauma-conscious society? The phrase, coined by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score, has to do with understanding that many individuals are suffering from trauma due to conditions and situations of all sorts and that punishment… Continue Reading