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2 poems

Post PTS Me

Will the real me please stand up!

No, not that hypervigilant rabbit.

The real Wendy

No, not that self-effacing nobody.

The real Wendy

Not the one who reaches out to others

in learned helplessness.

Where is Wendy free of trauma?

Is there such a one?

Can I ever truly know me, sans PTSD?

Who is this Wendy?  I have not yet met her

but I am searching.

* ***********************

In Expansion

I thought I was my fear

I thought I was my fear

I thought I was my fear

She is not me.

 

I thought I was my tears

I thought I was my tears

I thought I was my tears

She is not me.

 

My startle response, ever present—No,

not me.

 

My years of disconnection, hooking up

with harmful people, causing harm,

dropping those who do no harm.

No, she is not me.

 

Self-doubt, self-abnegation, self-less, help-less.

These words are not me.

 

I am new in the burning universe.

Each moment, I become            free.

 

The Mystery of the Missing Information

I feel my heart rate increasing, like a detective getting closer to the whereabouts of the culprit—the current way in which the chemistry of my brain works due to the trauma of infant surgery without anesthesia. I just read a paper entitled, “Working with the Neurobiological Legacy of Early Trauma” by Dr. Janina Fisher, a… Continue Reading

To Form a Question

Sometimes, in order to ask a question one needs vocabulary–amygdala, neurobiology, the biochemistry of trauma–phrases that position tongue in mouth. Sometimes, exposure to an idea must be repeated before one can edge to the lip of the platform and sail off into the water below. Again and again, we step to the ledge, pause, wait,… Continue Reading

Understanding Infant Surgery: Explaining Ourselves to Ourselves

I’ve been listening to an Audio Course “Biology and Human Behavior: The Neurological Origins of Individuality” in which Dr. Robert Sapolsky, a scientist from Stanford University, discusses some of the latest discoveries in neurobiology. In the lecture about two nuerons (brain cells) communicating, he said that Curare (the drug that was typically used in the… Continue Reading