When I graduated from college, my cousin sent me a doll in the mail. Without knowing why, I immediately took the scissors and magic markers to it. I snipped off the white yarn hair and drew a recored of my abuses onto its body.
My eyes are black tear drops, my jaw is aflame from gritting my teeth in pain, my scar is broadcast across my belly and my arms are black where I used to cut them with a razor in my teens.
Why would I do such a thing to a gift given in love and congratulations? It’s like I was saying, see, here’s the real me. On the outside, I’m a successful person, but underneath, I’m a failure. I remember being shocked when I was accepted into an Ivy League college. Had they made a mistake? While a student there, I felt as if I had slipped in under the door and if I made too much commotion, someone in charge would notice that I’d been mistakenly admitted.
The same feeling emerged when I was hired as a full-time teacher. When the president of the college congratulated me, I thought, if you only knew that you just hired a crazy. I felt like I got away with something. Maybe it has to do with the unresolved feeling that as a sick infant, I cheated death–I was dying, but then the medical profession performed an emergency surgery and rescued me. Is this what God wanted? I was never convinced that I had been worth saving and that I was meant to be.
It’s up to me to accept this now at the deepest level. I am worthy. I am loved. I am lovable and worthwhile. I’m the only one who can convince myself of this now. It’s time to become my own spiritual lover. I am divine. I am sacred. It’s time to believe what is.
Wendy, this is yet another of your posts that touches me so profoundly… thank you! I am both envious of your overpowering, expressive and self-aware responsiveness, and also really grateful that I have not struggled through anything like the depth of your self-doubt. Our scars and lack of confidence are a part of the stories of our survival, but the wonderful affirmation we have each received at vital points of our lives is in most ways far more significant. You must be or become your No. 1 fan, but always remember that you have many more: they know you, love you, and cheer you on!
Wendy, this is yet another of your posts that touches me so profoundly… thank you! I am both envious of your overpowering, expressive and self-aware responsiveness, and also really grateful that I have not struggled through anything like the depth of your self-doubt. Our scars and lack of confidence are a part of the stories of our survival, but the wonderful affirmation we have each received at vital points of our lives is in most ways far more significant. You must be or become your No. 1 fan, but always remember that you have many more: they know you, love you, and cheer you on!
Thank you, Fred. We (you and me and everyone who’s survived these profound crises) are a fan family. I love what you said about the “wonderful affirmation” being “far more significant” than the down sides of our illness and surgery. I’ll keep my mind on this.
Thank you, Fred. We (you and me and everyone who’s survived these profound crises) are a fan family. I love what you said about the “wonderful affirmation” being “far more significant” than the down sides of our illness and surgery. I’ll keep my mind on this.