Monthly Archives: April 2011

A Puppet’s Life: PTSD Pulls the Strings

1976: I’m running along the street on a beautiful day in Berkeley, California. I’m wearing running shorts and a t-shirt and enjoying the breeze as I skim along in my running shoes. I feel that I can run miles. I look up into the sky and see a series of bright white fluffy clouds. Something…

A Poem to Uplift

LIFT UP YOUR BANNER    by John Fox ©1984 Such a banner is for the greatness of wildflowers kissing their way delicately through glaciers, for the beauty of the mountaintop from which your soul undoubtedly has gazed. The next step you take shall bring you home if you but release your cares and think instead that…

Pre and Post Depression Brain

Here’s a photo of me from 1975 fresh out of Synanon. I’m 23 years old and feeling some despair about my life. I’m confused and in search of a way forward. A year before, I had entered Synanon, a drug and alcohol rehabilitation community, as the only person ever admitted for depression. Rather than be…

Changing My PTSD Brain

One way to heal from PTSD is to change our beliefs. We who have been traumatized early on can get caught in ruts of thinking that agitate. Case in point: Each day on my way to work upon seeing the same old parked car with its front smashed in, I feel badly. At first, my…

First photos of me after surgery

I was surprised to discover that these photos were taken after my return home from the hospital, where I had an operation for pyloric stenosis that  saved my life at 26 days old. I always thought they were taken right after my birth before I got sick. How could I have thought that–a nice family…

Remembering Mom

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. She would have been 99 years old. We lost her in 2007 on her mother’s birthday, December 20. My brother died in winter, too just four and a half months ago. 4/5/11 was a great day for me: Students were uncannily generous, as if they knew I was sad, and…

How beautiful you are

How Beautiful You Are Do you love your soul? Have you talked to it lately? What does it say? Do you love your inner voice? How does it sound, and what feeling does it convey? Have you felt joy in re-union? Are you walking as one now? Are you an undivided self? Are you a…

A Way Forward

I have not been depressed since I was twenty-six years old, over thirty years ago. Since recovering from depression, I have had ups, downs, and in-betweens but not sustained, paralyzing lows. Had you read only the last few posts of my blog and none previous, perhaps you’d think otherwise—that depression and thoughts about it rule…