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Here’s a quote for you to think about from Louise L. Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life:  “I think it is our natural birthright to go from success to success all our life. If we are not doing that, either we are not in tune with our innate capabilities, or we do not believe it can be true for us, or we do not recognize our successes” (109).  The last part of this quote really spoke to me.  As a child, I blamed myself for bringing the heavy burden of my illness onto my family.  The guilt and shame were emotions communicated to me by my mother, primarily (I say this without blame.). I still carry this guilt and shame. What I’m realizing is that I can change my view on this. I can see my operation as a success story.

Certainly, I was successful in overcoming extremely difficult circumstances.  I survived the operation and healed completely. Isn’t this success? In fact, I was very strong and proved to be quite a fighter, a quality that I rarely associate with myself.  In my life, I’ve often given up on myself and many of my dreams because of self-hate and self-blame.  I felt unworthy. Indeed, deep down, the belief that I was broken by the surgery undermined my life as though in some internal way, I’d never really healed.  So now I am healing this emotional wound.

Another of my great victories was that I didn’t die and make my mother “a sad woman all the rest of [her] days” (her words). It’s exciting and exhilarating to think that I was successful from the get-go. Actually, my birth went quite smoothly and, according to my mother, brought our family great joy. Focusing on my positive beginning helps.

I am rewriting my script  in an authentic way.  I have much to be proud about and grateful for.  I am a success!!

(This post is an edited version of an excerpt of an email that I sent my PS scar-buddy Fred.)

Tools of Healing

Here’s a picture I drew years ago when I felt really low. I was trying to help myself realize that I didn’t have to kill myself in order to escape the pain I was in. I could choose to keep living and transform into something beyond the pain. In the picture, a dead moth is… Continue Reading

My Heart Went Out to Me

I was listening to my student report on Alice Walker’s life when tears rushed into my eyes. I dipped my head, shielding my face with my hand, as I felt sorrow and compassion for the little girl that I had been. My student was telling the class about Walker’s brother wounding her as a little… Continue Reading