Happy 2010 everyone!
Today, I rededicate myself to the blogosphere. My resolution is to write and post weekly. The challenge that I face is allowing myself to be less perfect in what I create in order to increase the spontaneity and frequency of my postings. I am excited about this new challenge because I expect to learn a lot. My blog writing will likely improve since I’ll be practicing more. Plus, I will be able to stay more in touch more regularly with this subject–healing emotionally from infant surgery–throughout the busy semester of teaching. What I’m realizing is that a blog is meant for more chatty dailiness. As I understand it, blogs began as a forms of electronic journalling and though I know that blogs can be anything one makes them, I want to stay more true to the journalling side of things. So here goes.
I’ve been healing myself of an old systemic problem that is linked to my early surgery, and I am in wonderment and astonishment about my ability to be successful. Just before Thanksgiving, I injured my knee bowling. I don’t know exactly what I did to hurt myself, but after releasing the ball, I felt pain in my left knee. The next day I had burning in my thigh, a knot just above my pelvic bone on my left side and pain in my neck and upper right back. This type of reaction to stressing my left leg has been typical for the past fifteen years.
Every time I trip or fall, jar my leg or back, or pick up something too heavy, this pattern of burning, knotting, pain and discomfort sets in. It can last a day or two or weeks, depending. I’ve tried many solutions: osteopathy, Middendorf Breathwork, chiropractics, Reiki, and some others I can’t just now recall. These practitioners always helped me, but none of them broke the pattern. Whenever I trip or twist my leg, etc., I’m back experiencing the same old pattern of problems. I decided to take on the problem once and for all.
I’ve been reading You Can Heal Your Life, a book by Louise L. Hay, who believes that we create our illnesses and conditions with our thoughts. She thinks that the root of all problems is not loving the self. If we truly believe we are worthy, lovable and able to embrace ourselves wholly, many of our problems would clear up. One of the affirmations she shared has been so helpful: I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. Every time I felt pain in my knee or burning in my hip, I said this affirmation to myself in a heartfelt way. Amazingly, the pain actually subsided. When it returned, I repeated the mantra again, and the pain lessened. I am releasing this pattern and over time, I’m sure it will be gone for good.
How did I come to even think that I could change what so many healing practitioners could not? A couple of weeks ago after a long day at school dragging a briefcase of books on wheels around campus, the burning in my leg became quite intense. I lay on the floor and allowed the floor to support me and my breath to come and go on its own. I used Middendorf Breath Work to come to a peaceful place in my body. I allowed my natural breath to find its way into the places of tension and pain. Soon, I was lying there relaxed and absolutely pain-free, and I was awed by what I had accomplished. This success helped me realize that I am capable of healing myself.
The cause of this somatic pattern came to me while listening to a radio show hosted by Marcus and Sheila Gillette, where Theo, a channelled divine entity, said that anger is often at the root of our problems. Their work is profoundly transformative. The moment I heard Theo say this, I realized that my pattern stemmed from a punch withheld–A WHOPPER OF A BLOW. I wanted to punch someone out big time and my negative somatic body pattern stemmed from this denied impulse. My body froze into a pose of an undelivered punch and the potential power of that blow locked into my body.
In the research I’ve done on infant surgery, I’ve seen many photos in old medical textbooks of babies tied down for operations. I know that the restrictions placed on my movements in order to ensure a successful surgery are responsible for these early patterns. The punch was meant for whoever tied me down or immobilized me. The punch was meant for those who overpowered me. At three-weeks-old, there were no words that anyone could say to help me. How could I possibly understand that the people hurting me were trying to save my life? Trying to control the situation, my body lashed out. I was caught mid-blow. This blocked energy has wreaked much havoc.
Now I’m releasing it. In my meditation, I saw a huge baby the size of Godzilla approaching a hospital. This baby brought its fist down onto the place. It swept people from the hallways and crushed the operating rooms. It felt great. It felt right. Did I feel guilt? A bit. How could I hurt these people who saved me? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I annihilated them. It wasn’t real. Hey, it was payback time!
That afternoon, I went with a friend to buy some bowling shoes and there at the alley, believe it or not, was a punching bag. I punched and punched that sucker, knowing full well who I was knocking out. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? The body though has its own logic and needs. Somatic knowledge is a different type of knowing. In fact, as I’m writing this, I just checked in with my right scapula, the large triangular bone in my upper back. That’s where the sticking is. That’s where I stored a lot of this unspent energy. I spoke my mantra: I am willing to release the pattern within me that created this condition. Breath immediately filled the space. The burning in my leg eased.
Stay tuned for my progress reports!