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I am safe, I am worthy

These are the two affirmations that are helping me lately.  I am safe (my body will not explode; it will not hurt me). I am worthy (I was worth being saved;  I am welcome in this world).  

The other day as I left the gym, I noticed the tape on my car holding the fender on. (Years ago, my partner backed the car up and engaged a T post in such a way as to peel the fender half way off.)  I kept focussing on that silver tape covering the gash. How bad that looks, I thought. There’s a bunch of black smudges near the tape that I hadn’t seen before. I wonder if I could get them off with cleanser. On and on my thoughts spun round until I caught myself and looked at the rest of the car. It’s a beautiful car, a Prius that gives me great gas mileage and allows me to use the carpool lane. It’s silver and the lines are sleek. It gets me safely about. There’s so much to admire about the car, but I was focused on the duct tape.

It’s the same with the scar on my belly from pyloric stenosis. When I focus on it, my thoughts are often negative, but they are less conscious. These thoughts make me feel bad.  The scar though has enabled me to live.  I could see it as a mark of love because so many people worked together to save me and help me heal. I could focus on the thought that I was worthy of being saved and that I was strong for having survived a life-threatening illness at such a young age. Focussing on the positive is uplifting!

An image came to me just now– tears of joy streaming down my mother’s face. I saw this image in a dream about five years ago and wrote her about it. I told her that because my stomach problem early on had caused the family so much trouble, I wasn’t so sure she was happy about my being born. She reassured me that my birth was one of her “crowning glories” and that her distress had to do with her fear of losing me. When I find myself focusing negatively on my scar, perhaps I’ll remember my mother’s face, tears of gratefulness streaming down.  In this way, I can heal myself. In this way, I can transform my experience.

When I see the duct tape on my Prius, I will think of how it holds the fender on and how grateful I am that it’s there. Of course, I could get a new fender and get rid of the “scar.” I certainly can’t do that with my PS scar although I hear of people doing cosmetic surgery these days.  Instead, I’m going to practice this new way of thinking and see where it gets me.  I’m hopeful. I see a lot of positives coming out of this. It could even be fun.

Changing Cues

Miscue If I could have hidden it I would have   If I could have forgotten it   made it disappear like a rabbit under a magician’s black hat   carved it out of my skin   but the scar directed the play without my knowing like a prompter off stage whispering forgotten lines—  … Continue Reading

Release

When I was twenty-six-years-old, I began exploring in a safe and open way–in therapy, writing, and artwork–what had happened to me as a baby threatened by pyloric stenosis and operated on in order to save my life. Lee Johnson, my therapist, was my life line. She was the first human being with whom I was… Continue Reading

New Years Resolution

Happy 2010 everyone! Today, I rededicate myself to the blogosphere. My resolution is to write and post weekly. The challenge that I face is allowing myself to be less perfect in what I create in order to increase the spontaneity and frequency of my postings. I am excited about this new challenge because I expect… Continue Reading